


The Thrilling Life of the Brilliant Lily Potter

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-24
Updated: 2008-01-02
Packaged: 2019-01-19 01:42:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12400506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: After her friend kicked her old diary into the fire, Lily decides to make a new and exciting diary about her few but amusing adventures during her Hogwarts career.





	1. Prefect Power!

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

**The Thrilling Life of The Brilliant Lily Potter by 2Noxi2Obous3**

**Chapter 1-Prefect Power!**

(A/N just to clear things up before you start to read, this story is about Harry Potter’s daughter, Lily Potter.) 

 

 

 

**Sunday, October 6th 2024, 7:07 p.m.**

Okay, so this is my new diary to replace the one that Joyce kicked into the fire after I tapped her evil, satanic cat with my foot causing it to fall unconscious. [Me, not knowing that Joyce was sitting on the couch behind me and her not believing me when I said her cat was narcoleptic.] 

And I speak the truth when I claim her cat is the devil. 

It possessed me to do evil things. 

It was upsetting of course, my diary burning but that one was quite boring. And what I get for sitting on the ground--not my fault its very comfortable. So be prepared for a brilliant, thrilling, dramatic and tear-jerking story that has yet to happen! But surely will. (I hope). 

In fact, something has already happened. Yesterday I found my goldfish of 3 months, dead. Just floating at the top of his little bowl, eyes opened just staring at me like I purposely killed him.

**Well I didn’t**. 

The food somehow disappeared from the water. 

I bet house elves ate it. 

Morons. 

I held a small funeral for it with just myself and Ann. I invited Joyce but she was still pissed at me, Missy couldn’t come because she had detention and Liza, well, Liza scares me. 

Lets just say she’s way into hangers. Not airplane hangers, but clothing hangers. Another story for another time. 

Well anyway back to my thrilling story, Me and Ann flushed Syphilis (my fish), down the toilet, closed it and finished our homework. 

So…maybe that wasn’t as thrilling as I expected it to be. 

I wish ninja’s were at Hogwarts; that’s what makes things exciting. Adventures. I wish I could go on an adventure. With cougars involved. 

That’d be so badass. 

Frick, its time dinner. Dinner is going to suck ass without Joyce talking to me. At least Ann and Missy will be there. And Liza.

 

**After dinner, 8:47 p.m.**

Right now I’m in the Common Room, in front of the fire and there is nothing to do. Seriously, I finished all my homework that I didn’t do over the weekend . Rajj is being boring, as usual.

 I mean he’s to smart for me and to dull--oh I mean this in the friend way. I wouldn’t date him, his mother dated my father. Even if it was just one date, she still dated him. And that’s disgusting. Missy was actually doing her homework but only because Professor Longbottom said he’d Owl her dad. And Missy’s dad would come ask Headmistress to investigate and then all of our parents would discover the brothel that we run in Hogsmeade! 

Thrilling? yes. Dramatic? yes. Romantic? In ways. Untrue? Totally. 

Anyway, back to what people are doing. No, no, never mind. I’m so bored and that’s boring. 

“You’re an idiot.” I hear a huge thud and that compliment ringing in my ear. I look to my left and wow, big surprise it’s Joyce. 

“Are you insinuating that I’m fat?” Joyce said reading what I just wrote down. 

“Yes.” I write. 

“What the hell, Potter? I’m skinnier than you!” Joyce said shoving me. 

I think I’ll just lay down now, she wouldn’t have an easy time hitting me then. 

“But I would have an easy time pushing you into the fire.” I should be careful what I write around her. She might through you, diary, into the fire. 

Pyromaniac. 

“Screw you psycho. Ohh, look who just came in!” Joyce said, leaning back a little. 

I look up and insert angels singing because the yummiest guy in the world just walked in. Finn. Now let me explain, Finn wasn’t actually named Finn. His real name is Gaeth Finnigan. I know, Gaeth, seriously, I bet your thinking his parents were huge druggies, but no their just Irish. 

Anyway, when he came to Hogwarts everyone made fun of him, but he refused to be called anything but Gaeth out of pride. Cute, right? 

Then he turned hot last year, and got a girlfriend who started calling him Finn, because you know us crazy females we have to make up nicknames other than snuggle bear, tub muffin or like I called my last boyfriend, Potato (but if I call Finn that when we are married, I think he’d think that I was mocking him and his people and he’d divorce me and our eight children would hate me!) but she couldn’t really use his first name without insinuating things so she used his last. 

Anyway their relationship was exclusive and very hot gossip, so basically everyone knew everything about their relationship including her nickname for him and alas word spread and name stuck and he didn’t mind it. 

Because the name Finn, screams sexy. 

Then his evil girlfriend, I think her name was Lulu, cheated on him with a _Hufflepuff_. Seriously. 

So he broke up with her and he stayed really hot. 

Fast forward to September 1st of this year when I found out he likes me. Okay well I found out he liked me through a conversation we had at the

 Beginning of the Year Feast. 

Feast would look so much cooler with an ‘e’ at the end of it. 

Feaste. 

But, here’s our conversation, quote, 

“Hey Lily!” 

“Hey Finn!” 

“Have you seen Al anywhere?” 

“No, I ditched that loser before I got on the train.” 

“Hahaha, Lily your so cute. I’ll find him myself. See ya.” 

End quote. 

Back to currently, He’s came in with my brother (gross) from Quidditch practice. He’s a Beater. How sweet is that? And he just walked past me. I hate to see him leave, but I love watching him go. Dude my brother is such an asshole, not even one hello to his sister. 

I’m so telling mum! 

 

**9:05 p.m.**

When I’m older and I’m pregnant, I hope I’m preggers with a twins. Just so I can name one Volde and the other Mort. I’d make sure their really pale and get them red contacts. Just to fuck around with my dad. 

Actually I think I’ll owl my dad right now telling him what I’m planning on naming my twin babies. 

And not say that I’m not pregnant. Just kind of insinuate it. 

Then not respond to his response. Brilliant! 

 

**Tuesday, October 10th 7:14 a.m.**

“Lily, Dad and Mum want to know if your pregnant or not.” Al said to me during breakfast. 

Dude, breakfast would be so much cooler if it had an ‘e’ at the end. 

Breakfaste. “What the hell Lily?” Joyce said to me putting down her goblet. 

“Oh! I call Godmother!” Missy said dropping her breakfast and raising her arm. 

“Oh! Same!” Reid said, and we all kind of looked at him funny until he said “I meant Godfather!” 

“Al, darling, this is none of your business, shove off.” I say, before drinking from my goblet. 

“I know your lying about being pregnant. Your just doing this for attention and for your own sick amusement, so tell me so I can confirm it to Mum and Dad!” Al said in a rush. 

I think he’s embarrassed by me. 

He’s an asshole. 

“I know your lying about knowing…things… and I’m doing this for personal reasons.” I say back. 

I really can’t be that transparent can I? 

“Lily…” 

“What?” Tchhh. 

Boy wants a staring contest. 

Bring it. 

**7:16 a.m.**

 Damn. I lost. 

“Okay I did it because you get more attention from them just because you’re the middle child and your looking a little emo Al, and then I know that I’m the youngest and I’m cuter and more cherub-y. But seriously, you getting more attention then me isn’t right. For god sake’s you’re a middle child!” I say really fast because if I don’t I know he’ll be angry at me and I wouldn’t be able to visit his dorm so I can get a little piece of Finn. 

Rawr. 

“I’m the good kid!” He exclaimed, “I’m bound to get a little more attention then you even if your hair looks like its permanently of fire!” 

“Okay Al you need to calm the fuck down. Can you just tell them that I had it ‘taken care of’, Please?” I say. 

I know he will. I own him. 

“No. I won’t. You’re an idiot.” He said turning around and heading back to his friends. 

“Well you suck at life, ass-wipe! Oh, hello Headmistress, my you are looking very beautiful today. Sparkling. Diamonds have nothing on you! Okay, see you later!” I say to the passing by Headmistress who pretended not to hear me. 

I know she did. 

“Someone’s PMS-ing!” I sing to my friends. 

Frick, I think she heard me.

**Wednesday, October 11th 10:28 a.m.**

“Look, look at her Reid, total baby bumpage!” 

“Oh totally! Look at him, hot!” 

“Ugh, not!” 

Me and my bestest friend in the whole world were in the courtyard gossiping. He’s the sex. We are supposed to be at class but please, its Potions! 

Boring. 

I know the Head Boy and Girl personally because they’ve escorted me back to the Common Room so many times after hours. 

We’ve become close. 

But I think their kinda still angry at me because I started a betting pool about who would resign first. And they found out. 

But Potion’s is boring! You inhale toxic fumes and I’ve gotten enough of that because of Reid’s habit of smoking cancer sticks. Seriously. 

**Shittacki Mushrooms!**

Headmistress Mcgoogles is coming towards us. “Dun dun da daaaahh” I sing quietly to Reid. 

“Ms. Potter, Mr. Thomas…” 

**10:43 a.m.**

I’m sitting in Headmistress’s office. 

Creeeeeeeepy. 

I mean I’ve been in here before, like a year ago but still. Its not dark, its not gloomy, its just like caring and happy. Except for those portraits. 

Creeeeeeeepy. 

I wonder if I threw darts at them… 

“Don’t even think about it Ms. Potter.” 

I for really need to cover up this diary sometimes. 

“Ms. Potter, I asked you here not for skipping your class…” 

“So you understand the evilness of Potions? No offense Snapsicle!” I say interrupting her and pumping up my fist. I heard a grunt on my side and knew all was well. 

“For I was going to come get you anyway. I called you here because of your grades…” 

“Oh gods!” I said shifting. “They are remarkably well for a girl who doesn’t do her homework on daily basis and only goes to class about 3 times a week….” 

“Oh, well that’s a change of wind…” I said putting my feet over the chair I was sitting in. 

“Also you haven’t been getting as many detentions or causing as much chaos as you normally do…” 

“I know, I am so sorry, I’m going through a dry spell!” 

“Please Ms. Potter! I am trying to speak!” McGonagall yelled causing me to jump and put down my feet, and portraits to wince or wake up. 

“That is why I decided to reward you with becoming a Prefect for the rest of the year.” She finished. 

“P-p-pardon?” I stutter out. 

You have got to be kidding me! Seriously, McG wants me to be Prefect. 

She probably thinks that i'll become responsible, a better student, nicer and i'd stop harrassing younger students to do shit for me.

 Uh…no? Fuck that. 

“I know that this must come as a surprise to you , but our other current 5th year Prefect has found herself in…difficult…times and she will be leaving for the rest of the year.” 

“Is she pregnant?!” 

“I am not at liberty to say Ms. Potter!” 

That’s a yes. Fuck fucking that. 

Someone already had! 

“I’ll take the job Headmistress!” 

Think of all the power. 

The beautiful, beautiful power… 

**11:30 a.m.**

Badge pinned to Bouncy the left boob? Yes. 

Secured? Oh yeah. Wait. Insert me feeling up myself. 

Yes, secure. Shininess? To the highest quality. 

The badge looks pretty shiny also. 

Now I just need to get out of this damp bathroom and find my first victims. 

 

**11:33 a.m.**

Victims spotted. 

“Oi, you tall…people…ah, Ravenclawian’s. Well, my fine lady and good sir, detention! Tomorrow night!"

 “Potter , you can’t do that!” One of them shouts. S

howing the badge to them, I say “Oh yes I can.” 

“Well, what did we do?” the lady Ravie asked. 

“You did…uhm…kissing…running…halls?” I say. 

I’m not that brilliant when put on the spot. 

_“What?”_

I spin around and keep walking to the Great Hall. Today is a beautiful day. 

Oh look, I can see Al sitting there. With his pals. And that hot cake Finn. Mmmmhmmm. 

“Oi! Potter!” I scream as I enter the Hall. Heads turn, including his and… 

“Detention! Tomorrow night!” 

“Hahaha, you’re an idiot Lily. Get Lost.” He said turning back to his friends. 

“Ehem” Tap, tap on the badge pinned on my uniform. Great I just drew atttention to the boobies. 

Oh well. 

“What the…” 

“Watch your mouth or else Potter!” I say as I walk to my friends. 

I feel the Prefect power.

 

 

 

**Okay, so first chapter of what I think/hope will be many, depending if you all like it or not. I know I said some offensive things, but no offense? If it counts now… Anyway, I’m pretty paranoid about this because I usually write emo-y, morbid fics that don’t ever end up posted.**

**It complete AU, i own all the character's you never heard of.**

**So R &R please! **


	2. I (Blank) My Life!

**The Thrilling Life of the Brilliant Lily Potter by 2Noxi2Obous3**

**Chapter 2-I (Blank) My Life!**

 

 

 

 

**Thursday, October 12th 2024 2:34 a.m.**

I can’t wait for tonight. 

I get to oversee detention tonight. 

And I can’t sleep. 

At all. 

I need to talk to my dad, I always talk to him when I can’t sleep and that makes me tired. See, when I’m at home, I go downstairs and House Elf Number 1 usually makes me some really good pie. House Elf Number 1’s name is really Banchhod, but he’s too important to me…to be called his…real name. 

Yes. Of course. 

Anyway, when I’m downstairs’ eating my pie, my dad usually comes downstairs because apparently I’m not as graceful as I think I am and my musical voice carries all the way upstairs. 

So my dad walks in looking like a freaking zombie and I’m feeling sorry for my mum for marrying that thing as it grabs a spoon and sits down either next to me or across and starts to eat my pie. 

Yes, I meant to say ‘it’. Anyway, he talks to me about nothing. 

Seriously, okay, well, I guess his job isn’t nothing or what he wants for his birthday isn't nothing, but his nothing talk makes me feel better. 

No, just kidding, they make me feel tired. Which is why I love them so much. I hope my dad never reads this, if he does, you’re the best dad ever! 

 

**2:36 a.m.**

I think I’m going to have to burn this diary because my parents have an annoying way of finding things out, so now they're going to know I actually care about them. Ugh… 

 

**9:02 a.m.**

Man, I talk crazy late at night! 

I’m totally going to disregard anything I say after 12 a.m. And anyone finding this should also… 

So I ended up falling asleep, waking up late, missing breakfast(e) and now I’m in History of Magic. I am, obviously, so captivated by Professor Binns lesson about…

uhm… 

" _Liiiiiiiiiilllllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy_ " someone whispered from behind me. 

What the hell? 

“ _Whhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat_?” I whispered back after thinking ‘who sits behind me?’ and remembering Missy does! 

“Look outside!” 

**Rawr**. 

Why that animal noise after looking out the window? Finn. 

Laying on the grass with, ugh, my brother and another random guy. 

Is Finn gay? No, no, he’s had girlfriends. 

_Note to self: Be nice to Al, and then ask him if he is in a relationship with my future lover_. 

I think I’ll watch for awhile. 

 

**9:08 a.m.**

Yeah, they got up and left. 

Damn. 

 

**10:00 p.m.**

Guess what time it is? 

DETENTION TIME! 

Okay, I’ll be back in later. 

 

**10:10 p.m.**

Mother freaking fucker. 

Head Boy Lloyd caught up with me as I was skipping to oversee detentions and quote, 

“Lily, didn’t I tell you? The detentions you gave out don’t count anymore because they weren’t for real reasons. Sorry kiddo, but you can go back to your Common Room now. See you tomorrow!” And he walked away while I was standing there, heartbroken. 

End quote. 

UGH! I hate my life, I want to die. 

 

**10:10:30 p.m.**

No, I think I’ll just stab fucking Head Boy Lloyd and tell him I didn’t really stab him, so he’s okay, just go back to his Common Room and bleed out, because its not real blood, its fake candy blood! **Moron**. 

 

**10:11 p.m.**

 I’m so pissed off. 

I hate him! 

He prances around here like he’s someone important; sure he’s Head Boy, but he’s not that special. I’m more special than he. I have people coming up telling me I’ve changed their lives. Sure, it may have been 

“Lily, I never thought evil took human form until I met you,”

 or 

“I don’t want to die because I’m afraid if I do, you’ll be there waiting for me in Hell because you’re the devil.” 

God, I fucking hate Hufflepuffs. 

 

**Saturday, October 14th 2024**

**8:46 a.m.**

“Why are we up so early on a Saturday?” Missy whined. Lord, blondes are so annoying. 

“We’re up early because there’s a Quidditch match today,” Reid answered her as he, Joyce, Missy, Liza and I strolled into the Great Hall for breakfast(e). 

“So? We have like…two hours before it starts! Come on, you guys!” Missy whined.

 “Well, we wanna get good seats to see Ravenclaw beat Hufflepuff’s team of a-holes!” I say, kinda loud because in response I received: 

“Burn, Potter!” 

“I’m going to kick your ass!” 

Well, those were the distinct ones, but there were more. So, to respond to their response, I yelled, “Suck it!” and quickly sat down. 

Why did I sit down really fast? I really don’t want a detention because whenever I get detention, I seem to get the nasty DADA teacher, Hollinderr. Actually, Hollinderr is nice, but…not nice looking nor smelling…if you know what I mean. 

“Detention, Ms. Potter.” Headmistress said as she passed by me. 

Frick!. 

I hate my life. 

Never mind, there’s waffles today! 

 

**9:01 a.m.**

“Lily, pass the Syrup. Lily! Lily! Frick Lily! Thanks to you not passing it, I got juice down my front,” Joyce said. 

I don’t treat her badly; she has two arms, she can reach it herself. It's not my fault she’s clumsy. 

“Hahaha, it looks like you drooled…a lot…” 

“Thank-you Liza. Stop snickering, Lily! Reid! I don’t respect this!” She said to me before she used a charm to clean in front. 

“You’ve known Lily for what, four-ish year’s now? Lily doesn’t help anyone when eating, and rarely when she isn’t!” Reid said. 

“Praised be!” I say with a tasty mouthful of waffles.

 

**9:02 a.m.**

“You’re a bitch,” Joyce said. 

“Joyce, I’m feeling helpful enough to pour syrup into your eye!” I reply with a plethora of food in my mouth. (I was flipping at Liza’s dictionary last night when I couldn‘t sleep, I may have memorized some dirty sounding words to impress or gross out people during the day. Or night, for the matter.) 

 

**9:06 a.m.**

“Hey, Lily,” someone said from behind me. 

Fuck that, I’m not turning around or saying ‘hi’ because its Waffle day. I should eat my Waffles in peace! 

“Lily? Lily!” 

“Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat!” I moan as I turn around. 

Its Finn, thankfully, without my brother. 

**Rawr**. 

God, I have to stop doing that! Can’t help it though. 

“Sorry, I’ll just go…” Finn said really awkwardly, turning to go. 

“No, no, its just… it's Waffle day, favorite day ever!” I said to him. Actually I sang the last part. I know, I’m such an idiot. 

“Haha, okay, can I talk to you for a minute, then?” He said. 

 

**9:22 a.m.**

So, Finn wanted to watch the match with me and my mates because Al was going to make him and Random Guy (his real name is Doug, but I honestly could care less to remember his name) sit with Al’s satanic girlfriend, Julia. 

_Everyone_ hates her because she’s…heh…well, she’s too kind and way too pretty for a real person. Actually, I just hate her. People don’t like her because she’s annoyingly kind. 

Seriously. 

So, I guess Finn’s going to watch Quidditch with me today. 

Score! 

And Al won’t be around! 

Double Score! 

I love my life! 

 

**11:30 a.m.**

“Wanna say that again, Roosien? What? You know what? Your mum! Suck it! Yea I know I don’t have one! You don’t have one either! Really, _You’re a boy_? You don‘t look it!” Me and this stupid kid named Eric Roosien, a proud Hufflepuff, were having a scream fight. As usual, at matches. And the corridors. 

“Hufflepuff sucks ass! You suckkkk!” I screamed at the Hufflepuff Seeker who passed by. 

“Shut-up, you slut!” Some girl screamed at me 

“Excuse me? Bitch, you need to step off!” 

“You're fat and ugly!” 

“Your mum told my mum you were a mistake!" 

“Your mum has Crabs!” 

“That’s it! It's on!” I yell as I start to march toward her, only to be held back by Finn.

 “Whoa, whoa, she’s only a First Year, Lily!” Finn yelled as he dragged me back to our side of the bleachers. 

“She deserves it! Yea, you do! What? What did you call me Pygmy face? Burn, ass whore!” I yell before I sit back down next to Finn. 

“This has been the best fun I had all year!” Finn said before he cupped his hands around his sexy mouth and shouted “Go Ravenclaw!” 

“She’s really rowdy this match. I hope she gets suspended from games again! Go Rosie! Go!” Hugo yelled over the crowds as his sister, Rose, scored Ravenclaw ten points. 

“You really got suspended? I thought that was just a rumor! I never heard why though, why?” Finn asked. 

“Long story, you don’t want to hear it.” I say, immediately dismissing it-dismissing it because my future husband shouldn’t know how crazy I am. I actually think he knows my crazy pretty well… 

“No, no…here this is what happened…” 

“Reid! No!” 

“No?” 

“No!” 

“Nothing happened…” 

“You really aren’t going to tell me?” Finn said to me as we watched Rosie score again. 

“Never, well, not never. When I know you well enough.” I shoot back, my eyes still on the game. 

“I could just ask your brother.” 

“Don’t be an asshole, Finn.” 

“Okay then.” 

“Okay, you won’t be an asshole?” I say turning back to him. 

“Okay, to me knowing you better.” Finn said, smiling to me. 

“Okay then.” I say smiling back. 

Insert three pokes. 

“What, Joyce?” I say as she gives me the motion to come closer. 

“I smell love.” She sings softly. 

Insert me smiling ear to ear. 

“Lily Potter smells like failure and body odor!” 

“Fucking Hufflepuffs!” I say to the Gryffindors around me before standing on the bench and yelling at the Hufflepuff’s, “Who said that? Huh? Was it you, Cow-Lick? I bet it was you, Fink Face!” 

 

**1:05 p.m.**

Back into Headmistress’s office. 

Apparently, I was ‘threatening’ the younger years and my ‘friendly tapping’ were actually punches. 

I don’t like labels. 

Most are untrue. 

Such as these. 

“Ms. Potter, I am very disappointed in your actions today. First, you get a detention for inappropriate language at the Match where you attacked students, and now I’m going to have to suspend you from attending Quidditch Matches for the rest of the year. You really need to control your anger.” Headmistress said, sitting down. 

"Uhm, Headmistress, I’m going to fill you in on what I thought was a known fact, but apparently you haven’t realized that, I’m a redhead. Redhead’s have really bad tempers. I have a bad temper partially because I’m made fun of all the time, and people think the rhyme ‘I’d rather be dead than a redhead!’ is funny, such as my dad and fellow students. Bringing around the rear with the other half of why my vocabulary is so extensive and my thoughts are, well, out there, is because my father’s mother was a redhead and my mother is a redhead. Thanks to genes, God, and my DNA, I have a very, very bad temper.” I say to her. 

Honestly, its like she’s never met me. Or seen me.

 “That’s very interesting, Ms. Potter. Now, what part of that very nice speech shall I add onto the letter I’m going to be writing to your parents informing them of your suspension?” Headmistress said to me. 

“The part that says ‘Mommy, daddy, I love you!’” 

Fuck, I am _so_ screwed.

 

 

 

**High School Musical 2 is such a freaky movie!**

**Zac Efron maybe hot, but I have reason to believe he’s a poofter. Vanessa Hudgen’s voice sounds like a 7 year old.**

**I bet you all can guess what I’m watching.**

**I think i'm going to go change the channel to Scrubs now...**

**Anyways, sorry for the delay, my friend who goes over my grammer was MIA until earlier today.**

**I hope you all enjoyed this chapter!**

**R &R please!**


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